The dating GAYme.

Good ones, bad ones, never-ending ones, missed ones, you-don't-look-anything-like-your-picture ones. There are hundreds of different kinds of dates but why do so many of us gay guys date endlessly yet don't commit? I'm not talking about just a regular f**k here. I mean actually using dating as a tool to get to the ultimate goal of a relationship. I know this isn't limited to the homosexual demographic but as it is a smaller number of people it is, I think, more evident than with our heterosexual counterparts.

So as I said above, I've been wondering lately why I hear of so many people going on dates but so few people actually following them up with a relationship. I have a theory...

I think that most (not all) of us in the dating arena can be loosely put into 3 categories.

1) Willing to date but unwilling to commit.(you know who you are)
2) Willing to date and willing to commit.
3) Unwilling to date but willing to commit.

People in category 1 are the ones who are the biggest time-wasters. Unfortunately they are also the most abundant. They have no intention of starting a relationship and just want a date to get out of the mundane routine of being a freelance singleton for a while. It could be that they have been put off relationships because of past experiences. They might just enjoy being single. They could also just be going on a date to get lucky.

Now I'm no angel and have, I'm ashamed to say, found myself in this category before. I liked the wining and dining. I liked the "getting to know you" stage along with everything else. But... I had no intention of entering into a fully committed relationship when I went on these dates. This sounds awful now but at the time I was still licking my metaphorical wounds from a previous relationship; even though it had ended a year, or more, previously. I just found myself wanting to go on a date with the guy who asked me out in order to begin to rebuild my confidence. But this is where many people in category number 1 come unstuck. After a few dates I started to feel an attachment to the guy. I thought that maybe this was the "frizbee to the forehead" surprise relationship in the making and that my initial reluctance to commit was unfounded. So after more dates I was in too deep. I knew that I didn't want to be in a relationship but the guy I was dating had, obviously, taken my repeated dates as a sign that this could be going somewhere. Who wouldn't? I didn't want to call it off for no reason but I didn't want to be in a relationship. So I took the cowardly option and just ceased contact. Wasting his time and probably hurting him more than if I'd just told him where I stood from the start.

In a beautiful example of karma; I had the same done to me some time later. However this guy actually DENIED ever meeting me. Which my friends and I laugh about now but at the time it did make me question what I could possibly have done to make someone deny having had any contact with me! So now I know how it feels and am pleased to say I've grown since my gutless disappearance.

So Category number 1 are hard to spot as they will be, apparently, interested but have no intention to take it past date 3.

People in category 2 (willing to date and willing to commit) are the golden nuggets in an over saturated quagmire of number 1s. These guys look, act and present themselves much like category 1. The difference is that they are actively seeking a relationship and are willing to go on dates with guys to really get to know them and decide if they would like to take it further. It can be difficult to tell these categories apart from one another and this is to the detriment of category 2. Many people will have been on a date with someone, if not many people, from category 1 and might well have been tainted by the experience. I've been lucky enough to have a few dates with people in this category however they haven't turned out to be right for me for a relationship. For one reason or another.

Now category 3 (unwilling to date but willing to commit) are the snow leopards or giant pandas of the gay world. These are the guys who don't advertise their intention to find a partner. They aren't going to ask you out for dinner and a few drinks or a trip to the coast. These guys are happy to just spend time in your company. Getting to know you when you are amongst friends. Meeting up for a few drinks with respective social groups or days out or following common interests. Basically they become your friend. Not in a fatal attraction-esque way but in a genuine way. They could be a guy at college, a work colleague and so on. These are the guys who will happily stand back thinking "one day I'll get my chance" before asking you to be in a relationship with them on new years eve after god knows how many years of reciprocal flirting.

The issue here is that the pool is a big mix of these categories. Obviously matching a 1 with another 1 is doomed. If you try to match a 1 with a 2 then it's a fail. 1 with 3 it's a fail. 2 with 3.... Probably a Fail.

In order to have a successful run of dates you have to have two category 2s or 2 category 3s or possibly one of each. The issue with the latter is that 3 doesn't want the dating and formality that 2 wants! Add this to the normal issues of incompatibility or simply not having that "spark"and the odds of bagging your dream guy fall even further. NO WONDER IT'S SO HARD TO FIND A PARTNER!

So I think that people who fall into category 1 should do everyone else a favour and just carry on having fun, meaningless sex with like minded guys and leave the dating pool a little less clogged for those who genuinely want a relationship. Xx

Oh you're straight? Straight to bed!

OK. So this is my second post so it's a little more controversial than the first. What I'm blogging about today is the "straight" men that sleep with men.

My first experience of this was someone who I had been friends with for a long time. They had always identified themselves as straight, and still do, to anyone that asked. Thing is it turned out that he was actually having sex with an out gay guy from the same group of friends. He's now happily married to a woman and has a young family, I have no doubt that he is happy, but part of me wonders if this is not just a cover. I recall his dad telling him he would disown him if he was a "faggot" and that really got to him.

This is not an isolated incident either. Almost every friend of mine, and including me, has had an "encounter" with someone who identifies themselves as straight. At one point a friend of mine was being passed around like a packet of tic-tacs (not at the same time) by a group of friends who all identified as being straight. I mean just look at craigslist.com and you'll find an abundance of men advertising that they are straight but want to try it with a guy as they have been curious for a long time.

In the days of old and, unfortunately, still engrained in older generations' minds which is subsequently passed onto some younger generations, this would have meant that they cannot possibly be straight as they want to be intimate with another man.

So what? What's my point?

My point is that in my experience, and the experience of many of my friends, the boundaries between sexual labels are blurring. More so now than ever before from what I can gather. Many of my friends are a few years or five or even 10 older than I am and had nothing on this scale when they were my age.

Many men that introduce themselves as straight are intrigued by the gay life as it so alien to them. The difference is that now there are so many guys who are willing, even keen, to try it. Even just once. Whereas before, the archetypal straight man would have rather punched you in the face than kiss you.

In my opinion; sex is not sexuality. Having a sexual encounter with someone of the same gender does not mean that person is gay. It isn't as black and white as it was when, erm, TV was black and white. Experimentation, getting a helping hand from another guy or spending the night with someone just means they were, for want of a better word, horny. The true definition of orientation, in my opinion, is found by looking at who you can see yourself falling in love with. Who you would like to build a life with and have a close, loving relationship with.

What really annoys me though is that although so many straight men, especially students and guys under 30, actively seek an "encounter of the male kind" most of them would still deny it if they were asked. So what favours are the gay community doing for themselves by helping out these curious young men? None. Not a single one.

On the surface it would appear that it means you are accepted by a demographic of heterosexual men and that can only be progress right? Wrong. Don't expect many of these guys to canvass support for equal rights for gays and lesbians. They aren't likely to be the ones marching on Westminster or the white house just to be able to say that you are "married" to the person that you love. They will still make jokes about "the gays" call other "camp" guys queer and so on.

Not because they are inherently homophobic. Just because it doesn't matter to them. They occasionally get their rocks off when they haven't got a regular f**k but are looking for a "nice young lady" to have a relationship with. Why would they care if, in the future, you can adopt a child or inherit your long term partner's estate instead of it going to their estranged family.

Whilst they will happily come to a gay bar or club and say they are straight and not interested until you tell them you think they are hot. They aren't in the slightest bit interested in gay life after sex.

This causes issues when looking at surveys for support of gay rights. Gay marriage etc. Many, many of these men who regularly have sex with other men identify as straight when filling out a form asking for their opinion. This makes the gays look like even more of a minority. In cases where a newspaper writes an offensive article on "gay agendas" or such-like then these guys will be the ones giving it a "thumbs up". It just smacks of duplicity and cowardice. Rather than actually saying "who cares?" They will go with the, apparent, flow. Not necessarily maliciously but definitely harmfully.

So many gay guys now sleep with men who claim to have never slept with another guy that I wonder how many of these men can possibly be left. I struggle to find many. I mean gay men are infamous for their ability to spot another gay within a perimeter way outside of any military radar range. We call this nifty sense our "gaydar". I honestly find it to be less and less often that I think "that man is 100% not going to sleep with another guy". I'm talking waiters, shop assistants, soldiers, people handing out flyers, barmen, bus drivers... All of whom I have been propositioned by when in town but they would swear blind that they were straight.

To summarise. Many young men now don't care who they have sex with. They wouldn't admit to this in public as they would be afraid of ridicule. They don't form any emotional connection and are completely straight in their own mind. If they just want a bit of fun then that's fine but they need to man up and get behind (excuse the pun) us in our fight for equal rights. Not special rights. Not extra rights. Just equal.

They can't expect to have their cake AND eat it now. Can they? Xx

OMG he's hot. Bitch puurlease.

****As a gay guy, living and breathing, I am writing my blog to share my own opinion. If you do take offence then that's your issue. ***

OK. So every day I notice things that fellow gayers say and do which don't necessarily help combat the negative stereotypes that are out there. ***gasp*** "well that's the straight peoples' fault for being closed minded and bigoted" I hear you cry.

Maybe it is. Sometimes. However a lot of the time it is us, the gays, that reinforce these stereotypes ourselves. Being a "grade A" bitch is a good place to start.

I tend to find that gay men seem to have only 2 initial reactions when meeting other gay men / seeing them across the bar. Either option A) "oh he's so nice. What a lovely guy. It helps that he is hot!" Or option B) "he's such a dick. A friend of a friend of a friend said that he was rude to someone they kind of knew and that he's really full of himself so I don't like him". In my experience it tends to be option B.

Now I'm aware that this could be seen as a sweeping generalisation however in my experience I have been fully aware of being the subject of option of A) sometimes and option B) a lot of the time. To be honest it can be seen as flattering: someone talking about you from a (7 times removed) past experience of yours even though you have no idea who they are.

But most of the time it's not a laughing matter. We've all heard the whispers about the good looking guy who just walked in "apparently he's a rent boy" or "apparently he gave so and so *insert sexually transmitted disease here*." And my personal favourite which is bandied about "apparently he has a small/big d**k" WTF?

I think it's about time that we gay guys try to shed this bitchy stereotype. Here's the thing. We gays are numerous but not really a hugely abundant lot. However Lord knows there are so many gay guys that are "in the closet" (to be addressed in a later blog) that I find it difficult to think of more than a handful of guys that don't give me at least a small blip on the gaydar. But we don't act like a community unless it happens to be an event like gay pride. Or a pink concert.

However shouldn't we really do more to look out for each other? Rather than perpetuating rumours that we all heard umpteenth-hand why not just stop ourselves and instead tell your friend "no I've seen him around but I don't know him" I think its because being "connected" to the gay scene is important for a lot of gay men. Telling a friend something about another person makes you appear as though you have those omnipresent "connections". But guess what. It also makes you look a twat.

Yes that person could well have a big d**k but you are potentially stopping them from meeting their next long term partner by making them out to be a slut. Maybe they did give someone Chlamydia 3 years ago however this is their personal business and maybe they were more mortified to find out they had it than the person that they gave it to was.

Now I'm not deluded by any stretch of the imagination. I don't expect (any more) rainbows and blue birds along with a Mary Poppins smile every time we go to the gay scene. I would, however, like to hear less negative, bitchy comments from those around me about fellow revellers. Why not just follow some advice that a wise lady once told me. If you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all. Xx

Comment and let me know if you agree or disagree with the above :0) Xx